{matters of the heart} I believe

It should have been different this year. That's what I said to my husband as we finished setting the "Santa gifts" up under the tree. Grayson had just fallen asleep in his new Lightning McQueen sleeping bag and tent - a gift from his grandparents. It should have been different this year. It could have been different this year. And as tears began to fill my eyes, I said, "there should be gifts for two children under the tree."

My heart hasn't been quite as lonely lately, as time heals the broken heart, but with Christmas time comes reflection and a longing for something I never got to know - being a mama to two. I've accepted that it just wasn't in God's plan for us to have that sweet baby, but the hurt is still there sometimes, especially when I think about what an amazing kid my Grayson is and how he has the the kindest, most sensitive heart. He would have loved that little brother. He randomly told me other day that he wanted a baby for Christmas. "Me too," I said. "Me too."  

Despite all the troubles my family has faced this year, I have to believe. I have to. I have to believe in the hope of Jesus. That God sent His son into this cruel world so many years ago...into a world that didn't even have room for Him. He sent Him to save the whole world when most of the world doesn't even want a savior. I can't even imagine what it was like for our God to do that, especially when He knew what the fate of His Son would be. That's the truest form of sacrifice and love. 

I believe because I have hope. I got that hope when Jesus died on the cross for all of us. And no matter how bad things on Earth get, no matter how far I feel the world turning from Him, I still believe in that hope. I believe that just like God sent His Son to be born in that little town of Bethlehem that night, He's going to send him again one day to save all of us who have held to our faith and salvation at a time when just like when He was born, the world has no room for Him. 

I believe that our "angel baby" is with Jesus, and being held by my sweet aunt, who went to Heaven just a short time before that. I believe that Jesus saved our sweet baby from this world by bringing him into a perfect place...a place where he would never know anything but peace and love. That's my hope. I have that hope that our Savior will take us there one day, too, and there my heart won't be broken anymore. My hope is in Jesus. And I believe.

And I believe that there's a place called Heaven

And I believe in a place called Calvary

I believe in a man his name is Jesus

And I believe that he gave his life for me

- music by Dailey and Vincent