{matters of the heart} release

While scrolling through Facebook this morning, I came across this beautiful post by my friend Colleen Gaddie (stirthesoul on IG). She's incredibly talented with her artistic Bible journaling, but it was her words this time that got to my heart. 

Colleen wrote - "Sometimes you are going through what you believe to be the hardest thing yet. Your heart is breaking. You dont understand. You dont know how the pieces will ever be put back together. Friends might tell you they have been there. They might share a similar story... but they dont get you. Not completely. They dont really know everything you've thought or processed through this. They dont understand how broken you are. But God does. He knows the things you wont dare whisper. The things that keep you awake at night. The sadness, disappointment, the anger. All of it. He knows your pain. Every bit of it. Turn to Him. Fall apart in His hands. Find strength and comfort in him." - written by Colleen Gaddie and shared on Facebook

Oh, I needed that message. I needed it more than I'm willing to admit. Broken. That's exactly how I feel. My heart is broken - both in the physical and emotional sense, and I'm tired of it. 

On Memorial Day, I was implanted with a pacemaker. This was my fourth procedure in the cath lab in the past year. At that time, they discovered that one of the leads from my previous optimizer device had become dislodged from my heart. That means I have to go in for another surgery to repair it as soon as I heal from this one. The lead that was dislodged is still sending the electrical pulses (just not in the right place), so I feel it all day long. It shakes my whole chest, and it's pretty frustrating. I am getting it turned off tomorrow though until it can be repaired.

Everyone always says that I'm strong...that I'm brave. I don't really think I am. I think I just am really good at faking it and acting like it's not bothering me, when in reality, my heart is filled with the words that Colleen said - sadness, disappointment, and yes, even anger sometimes. 

Last night, I lost it. I went to Mama and Daddy, and I just released it. I ugly-cried and said things that I've been keeping bottled up for months. I released all the frustration and sadness, and then, I actually felt better. 

However, I still don't understand it.

I don't understand why I can't just get well.

I don't understand why I've been diagnosed with an uncurable condition.

I'm tired of being tired all the time and the way it limits me from doing things I want to do.

I hate getting lightheaded and dizzy. 

I hate that I can't lift my arm to even grab a plate out of a cabinet or pull my child up into my lap. 

It may sound trivial but even things like decorating my classroom...I can't do that because I can't raise my arms, and I hate that, too. 

I hate that my condition keeps me from putting forth my best in everything, being a mama, being a teacher, and more.

I hate that everytime I feel bad about all of this, I also feel guilty, like I have no right to complain because I have it pretty good compared to others around me. 

I hate feeling helpless and having to ask others to do things for me.

I hate the looks I get from people when they find out I'm in heart failure...looks of disbelief. I hate the "but you're so young..." that comes right after it. Yeah. I wish I could explain it, too. "I hate the "but how did this happen to you..." question that comes next. If I knew, I'd tell them.

I hate the fact that at 32-years-old, I've thought more about dying than most of you ever have. I've had that conversation with my husband where I've explained to him where all the paperwork is for my life insurance policies. I hate that I had to do that. It makes me grateful for every single day that I'm blessed to live, though.

I hate that they gave me paperwork for an advanced directive and I had to make desicions about the kind of care I would want in case I can't make them for myself. I hate that I signed all the papers but am scared to turn them in because I feel like it's so final. So, when they ask me if I have one, I just say no. 

I want Grayson to have a mama who is well, and I hate that he doesn't. He deserves more, and I don't understand that either. I hate the fear he feels everytime I go in the hospital. No child should have to feel that. 

I don't understand why I had to choose to give up my sweet baby when so many people don't want their own. He is still so very loved. If love could have saved him, he'd be here with us. 

Despite all of this, I KNOW that my God hears every worry on my heart and every bit of frustration in my prayers, and I KNOW that He knows my pain. I KNOW that I will never walk this jouurney alone, and I KNOW that there's a purpose for my pain, and maybe, just maybe, that's what makes me strong.

lyrics from the song "Just Be Held" that I listened to as I wrote this...

Hold it all together

Everybody needs you strong

But life hits you out of nowhere

And barely leaves you holding on

And when you're tired of fighting

Chained by your control

There's freedom in surrender

Lay it down and let it go

So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away

You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held

Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place

I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held

Just be held, just be held

**please know that I am forever grateful for your love and prayers.