{matters of the heart} life is tough, but so am I

Defeated. That's how I feel this evening. I wrote an update yesterday on how the plan now is for me to get the Optimizer device for my heart. I had been told by the doctor that this was a great opportunity for me, with assurances that it would make me feel better, have more energy, and have less shortness of breath.

I couldn't help it. I was excited. I thought that within a month or so, I could feel like a healthy person again. After a year of dealing with a diagnosis of heart failure, I was running to the hope I'd been given. 

Today I sent a message to the coordinator of this study asking her when my surgery date would be. Her response wasn't exactly what I wanted to hear. She said that the sponsor of the clinical trial was not sure if they wanted to implant this device in me due to my diagnosis of eosinophilic myocarditis. They believed that this device may not help me at all, and if it doesn't, then they didn't want to take a chance on the implantation. She said she was waiting on a phone call from them with their final decision.

Just like that, I didn't feel so certain in that hope anymore. Now I don't even know what to think or do, other than just wait on that phone call telling me if I've been approved for the device or not. 

Life is tough, but so am I. That's what the pin on my shirt says. I went back to work today, and I was so excited to see all my students. I missed them so much, and I could tell they missed me, too. Two of my students gave me a card with that pin attached to the front, and I knew it fit me perfectly. 

Despite having a great day back at work, I feel discouraged with the news I received today. However, the truth is that my hope's not in this life. If we put our hope in this world, we are going to be let down. I spend so much of my days trying to be brave. People tell me that I'm always smiling and that I'm so strong. That's not me, y'all. I don't do that alone. Like the song below says, I'm just trying to hold it all together piece by piece. I'm not brave at all, but my Jesus...He is, and that's more than enough for me. 

I may have worries here in this life, but my blessings outweigh my burdens everyday, and that...well that's something to be thankful for. I can look at the heartache I've been through and feel sorry for myself, or I can be grateful. I can be grateful that I've been BLESSED with great doctors, with a great hospital nearby, and with AMAZING family and friends to support me. I can be grateful that with these people on my side, I don't have to feel defeated, and with their help, I can get back up and fight. That's exactly what I'm going to do.

I've been doing all that I can

To hold it all together

Piece by piece.

I've been feeling like a failure,

Trying to be braver

Than I could ever be.

It's just not me.

So be my healer, be my comfort, be my peace.

Cause I can be broken, I can be needy,

Lord I need You now to be,

Be my God, so I can just be me.