{matters of the heart} life is tough, but so am I

Defeated. That's how I feel this evening. I wrote an update yesterday on how the plan now is for me to get the Optimizer device for my heart. I had been told by the doctor that this was a great opportunity for me, with assurances that it would make me feel better, have more energy, and have less shortness of breath.

I couldn't help it. I was excited. I thought that within a month or so, I could feel like a healthy person again. After a year of dealing with a diagnosis of heart failure, I was running to the hope I'd been given. 

Today I sent a message to the coordinator of this study asking her when my surgery date would be. Her response wasn't exactly what I wanted to hear. She said that the sponsor of the clinical trial was not sure if they wanted to implant this device in me due to my diagnosis of eosinophilic myocarditis. They believed that this device may not help me at all, and if it doesn't, then they didn't want to take a chance on the implantation. She said she was waiting on a phone call from them with their final decision.

Just like that, I didn't feel so certain in that hope anymore. Now I don't even know what to think or do, other than just wait on that phone call telling me if I've been approved for the device or not. 

Life is tough, but so am I. That's what the pin on my shirt says. I went back to work today, and I was so excited to see all my students. I missed them so much, and I could tell they missed me, too. Two of my students gave me a card with that pin attached to the front, and I knew it fit me perfectly. 

Despite having a great day back at work, I feel discouraged with the news I received today. However, the truth is that my hope's not in this life. If we put our hope in this world, we are going to be let down. I spend so much of my days trying to be brave. People tell me that I'm always smiling and that I'm so strong. That's not me, y'all. I don't do that alone. Like the song below says, I'm just trying to hold it all together piece by piece. I'm not brave at all, but my Jesus...He is, and that's more than enough for me. 

I may have worries here in this life, but my blessings outweigh my burdens everyday, and that...well that's something to be thankful for. I can look at the heartache I've been through and feel sorry for myself, or I can be grateful. I can be grateful that I've been BLESSED with great doctors, with a great hospital nearby, and with AMAZING family and friends to support me. I can be grateful that with these people on my side, I don't have to feel defeated, and with their help, I can get back up and fight. That's exactly what I'm going to do.

I've been doing all that I can

To hold it all together

Piece by piece.

I've been feeling like a failure,

Trying to be braver

Than I could ever be.

It's just not me.

So be my healer, be my comfort, be my peace.

Cause I can be broken, I can be needy,

Lord I need You now to be,

Be my God, so I can just be me.

{DIY} photo pallet project

I'm a sucker for anything DIY. I see projects that other people make, and I think, "I can do that!" These photos on pallet wood have been floating around my Facebook news feed for awhile now in some of my Silhouette crafting groups. I had an 8x10 of one of my favorite pictures of Grayson, so I decided to give it a try. I love how it turned out and had planned to give it to my mama as a Christmas gift, but I couldn't wait! She already has it. :) 

I followed the instructions on this YouTube video, except for the sanding, I just used some coarse sandpaper. I also skipped the step on staining because I bought this pre-made board at Hobby Lobby, and it was already this pretty color. My mama loved it, and now I need to make one for my house!

Here's the video tutorial by Pink Sawdust.

This would be a very simple Christmas gift project, especially if you buy the boards pre-made like I did. Thanks for stopping by! Have a great day!

supplies:

pallet board, photo, sandpaper, paintbrush, mod podge, ruler, pencil, something to cut your photo with (I used a paper trimmer)

{matters of the heart} an update

It's been awhile since I've updated this blog with my heart condition. That's because there are days that I really just don't want to talk about it. However, I have gotten a lot of good reception to me sharing my story through this blog, so I'm going to continue. So many of you shared with me that you loved reading my thoughts and about my experience. I appreciate that so much. I was so scared to share that deeply personal story of last January with you. Not many people knew about it, and many of you said things like "I knew you had a hard time, but I had no idea it happened like that." Thank you for loving and supporting me.

To update you on what's been going on with my heart, I had a defibrillator implanted on November 6. For those of you who don't know what that is, it's a small device that was implanted just above my left breast. If my heart stops beating, it will shock it back into rhythm. You know the shocking machines on Grey's Anatomy and other medical shows? Picture that on a smaller scale. A lot of people have been asking if I feel better since having it done, but it doesn't make me feel better. It's just there literally to save my life if I go into cardiac arrest. As for increasing my heart function, it doesn't do that, but we have found something that will.

At my last visit with my regular cardiologist, we met with a Heart Transplant Coordinator and began the process of talking about those options for me. However, the arrhythmia doctor who implanted the defibrillator felt that he had another option that would help me. It's called a Cardiac Contractility Modulation Device...also called an Optimizer. They have been doing a clinical trial with this device, and it's been proved to be very successful with the trial patients. I was unsure about it at first, because, let's face it...this is a LOT to take in all at once. I just want to be a mama and teach kids and bake cupcakes now and then. If this device can improve my quality of life, then I'm on board. I'm tired all the time. I have days where I am so weak, and I wake up feeling like I'm about to cough my lungs up every morning. This device is supposed to decrease my fatigue and shortness of breath and make me feel better. If you want to read more about how the device works, here's the link to the company's website. I have to have some labs done and wear a heart monitor for 24 hours before I can get this device implanted, so I'm going to see about setting those appointments up soon. Hopefully we can do this procedure right before Christmas break so that I can recover during the Christmas vacation from school and return in January. If this device is successful for me, then that means I don't have to get a heart transplant, and that is truly an answered prayer...or PRAYERS because I know how many of you have been praying for me. :)

Nobody ever wants to have to deal with health problems, but I must say that I have had an AMAZING support system in my family, friends, and co-workers. I'm so grateful for all of you. Thank you isn't enough.

Common questions and answers about heart failure...

What is heart failure?
Chronic Heart Failure, or CHF occurs when the heart is unable to pump sufficient blood to meet the needs of the body. Doctors index heart strength by a parameter called the Ejection Fraction (EF). A normal EF is greater than 55%, but in CHF, it typically falls to values less than 45-50%. FYI - mine has been as low as 20% but was most recently measured at 30%.

What are the symptoms?
Common symptoms of heart failure include shortness of breath, fatigue, weakness, persistent coughing and difficulty performing everyday tasks such as grocery shopping or climbing stairs. Another sign of heart failure is the accumulation of fluids in the legs, feet, abdomen, lower back and lungs. I have every single one of them. I didn't make it to church this morning because of a severe cough. I struggle with fluid retention and have to take a ridiculous amount of Lasix daily.

Information from the Impulse Dynamics website.